I wonder what part of me always turns to lists to rationalize my thoughts.  From the simple to do and grocery lists, to the weightier pro/con lists pitting college against university and career move against volunteer work, over the years I've quelled many a scattered nerves with a few scratches of pencil on paper.  I guess it has something to do with having visual, tactile proof of my issues there in front of me that makes me more likely to act instead of just brushing aside thoughts and feelings into a dusty corner of my head.  

I have no actual problem with the final decisions made from these lists (I actually don't really believe in wrong choices, or maybe I believe in them, but think they usually add great character to a life), but the decision-making process, well that is honestly kinda scary.  My thoughts are constantly in limbo, and until they're in word form in front of my eyes, making decisions can seem like putting together a puzzle with no edges (some pieces fit, but the whole picture never really comes together).  

I'm a bit sad tonight, and so before attempting to close out the day, I've written a list entitled "Ways to stay happy during the next two weeks".  Why the time frame, you ask?  Well, I'm a bit of a procrastinator, and without a deadline I tend to veer away from responsibility.  The clear-cut statement "I must be happier at the end of the next two weeks" puts a fire directly under my ass, where as something like "goals for the future" seems a bit too lofty and dreamy for it to mean more than an emotional PMS moment by tomorrow morning.

1. Take 1-infinity photos a day.  Hiding behind my viewfinder, and hunting for something that grabs my attention in one still frame always thrills me.  Plus I get some kind of strange power serge from directing my models (I've been told I'm a bit bossy behind a camera).

2. Write each night (whether I want to or not).  It's sad that I have to force myself to do this, and actually it shouldn't be too hard- as the want to write usually comes more naturally for me when I'm depressed, but hopefully, I'll have to remind myself by the end of the two weeks.

3. Exercise each day.  This will be difficult, as I tend to be sloth-like on sadder days, but jumpin around for a half an hour each day tends to perk my mood.  Plus finding random 80's work-out videos on YouTube is super entertaining.

4. Tell my mother she's beautiful.  She is.

5. Listen to my father's stories.  Worked when I was a kid, and still does.

6. Help and cherish my friends.  Even when I'm not too happy with them, they're still my friends and they still make me feel better.

7. Stay off facebook.  I'm all for social networking...when I'm in a good mood, but when I'm down in the dumps, something about looking at photos of so and so's sonogram, and reading about so and so's new job just drags me further down.  Not to say that I can't be happy for others when I'm not happy myself, I'd just rather not have it all thrown in my face with one scroll through a website.

8. Eat healthier.  A good plan for when I'm happy too, but even more beneficial now to get me out of a slump.  Although I don't have plans to go full-throttle vegan and raw, I might try out a few new recipes to get my body to a place my emotions want to catch up to.  

9. Relax.  I was going to write "stay busy" but that's been the ruin of many a sad Megan in the past.

10. I didn't have a ten, cause I wasn't counting, but there should be a 10.  It feels un-zenlike to end a list on 9.  I got it! 10. Be more zen-like.  Maybe I'll try meditating again. 

Wish me luck!